Main hoon Priya, 37, divorced. Kyun? Kyunki main “irresponsible, sadistic, selfish, aur toxic” hoon, apparently. 18 saal pehle jab pata chala main lesbian hoon. Tab India mein same-sex relationships ko decriminalize kiya gaya tha, par UN mein LGBTQ rights pe India ne vote nahi diya. Risky tha apni sexuality reveal karna. Family, friends-sabke saath har baat mein darr laga rehta tha ke kahin sach na nikal aaye.
Main Anjum ke saath relationship mein thi. Woh meri classmate aur best friend thi. Humara bond intense tha. Anjum hamesha top thi, aur main pillow princess. Sex toys ya lube afford bhi karte toh pata nahi hota kahan se laayein. Spit hi humara lube tha, aur carrots ya candles dildos.
Anjum ke saath sex ek ritual tha. Woh meri ass pe obsessed thi. Shuru hota passionate kiss se, nange badan ek doosre se chipke hue. Phir woh meri taangein uthati, apni tongue meri ass se pussy tak dheere chalati.
Suddenly, woh apna muh meri clit pe laga deti, left hand ke fingers meri cunt mein, aur right hand meri left tit ko sehlaati. Anjum ko pata tha meri har khwahish, jaise woh clairvoyant ho. Woh kaan mein naughty baatein whisper karti, jo mujh mein ek demon jaga deti. Ek din maine usse kaha, “Main top banna chahti hoon.” Usne haan kar di.
Maine usko blindfold kiya, bed pe litaya. Uske neck se lick karna shuru kiya, dheere se uske boobs pe aayi. Uske light brown nipples ko halke se lick kiya, soft kisses diye. Anjum ka badan restless ho raha tha, main feel kar sakti thi.
Main dheere-dheere neeche gayi, uski pussy tak.
Woh mujhe grab karne ki koshish karti, par main uske haath halke se thappad marti aur kehti, “Chupchap maze le.”
Phir woh stomach ke bal let gayi.
Maine olive oil liya, apne tits uski back pe rub kiye. Uske ass ko dono haathon se dabaya, spread kiya, sabse sundar black hole dikha.
Thodi oil uske asshole pe daali, apni finger bhi grease ki. Dheere se touch kiya, phir rub kiya, aur ring finger daal di taaki dard na ho. Anjum ke cumming ke baad main uske haath pe let gayi, apni sticky fingers lick karte hue usko wink diya. Phir humne apni pissers rub ki taaki saath mein cum karein, aur 69 kiya 20 minute tak jab tak jaws dard na karne lage. End mein tight hug, ek orgasm jaisa feel, jaise gods ne humein alag karke cruel joke kiya ho.
Par ek din Anjum mere ghar aayi aur rone lagi. Uski family ko uski sexuality ka pata chal gaya. Main darr gayi ke usne mera naam toh nahi liya. Defcon 3 mode mein dimaag chala, sab deny karne ka plan banaya.
Pata chala usne sirf apni sister ko bataya ke woh women ko pasand karti hai, mera naam nahi liya. Do mahine mein uski shaadi kar di ek Dubai ke ladke se. Woh mardon se nafrat karti thi. Mera dil toot gaya, na ke girlfriend khoyi, par uski zindagi ab unnatural ho jayegi.
Saat saal baad, maine apni sexuality chhupayi, apne desires sacrifice kiye taaki parents ko dukh na do. 26 ki thi, March ka sunny din, ghar mein usual power cut. Pressure cooker ki seeti, cousins ke bacche shor machate, Dad purane akhbaar se hawa karte, aur Mom mujhe khana banane mein help ke liye chillati.
Typical Sunday khana serve karte hue Dad ne kaha, “Beta, dua karta hoon ke tera achha rishta aaye, aur main apne grandkids dekh loon.” Mom ne Dad ko daanta, aur maine kaha, “Main shaadi nahi karna chahti.” Mom ne mere sar pe thappad maara, “Bhagwan ne galti se tujhe ladki banaya, ladka hona chahiye tha.”
Cousin Arpita ne suna aur living room mein aake parents se agree kiya. Usne mujhe groom dhoondhne ka zimma liya. Do mahine mein chaar rishte aaye, sab no-go. Rejection ka dard dil tod deta hai. Parents mujhe tasalli dete, “Koi na, sab upar wala decide karta hai.” Par main jaanti thi Dad sabse zyada pareshan the. Ek din Mom ne Dad se kaha ke main 27 ki hone wali hoon, aur agar yeh saal nikal gaya toh bura rishta aayega. Maine apne room mein baithke socha, yeh system kitna unfair hai. “Groom ke selfish parents perfect princess chahte hain, na zyada lambi, na chhoti, fair, ghar ka kaam kare, buddhon ki seva kare, housewife bane. Basically, fuck doll aur maid with no rights.”
Usi din Anjum ko call kiya. Uski awaaz ne dil ko sukoon diya. Usne kaha woh weekend pe parents ke ghar aayegi. Maine lunch banaya, khud ko taiyaar kiya. Jab Anjum aayi, uske saath uska husband Zeeshan aur do saal ka baccha tha. Maine hug kiya, ghar mein welcome kiya. Kitchen mein plates dete hue uska haath chhua, compliment ka wait kiya, par kuch spark nahi tha.
Lunch ke baad Anjum aur main mere room mein gaye. Maine socha woh mujhe hug karegi, kahegi ke humara time best tha. Par usne kaha, “Yaad hai kitne childish aur stupid the hum? Woh gross cheezein is room mein ki?” Mera dil toot gaya. Jo main sacred samajhti thi, usne usse gross kaha. Fake smile ke saath maine kaha, “Haha, haan.” Usne apni married life aur Zeeshan ki tareef ki. Main phone pe kuch padhne ka naatak karti rahi. Phir maine kaha, “Anju, mujhe jaana hai, kal milte hain?” Woh samajh gayi aur chali gayi. Jaate hue usne mere kaan mein “Sorry” kaha. Woh sorry ka matlab aaj tak samajh nahi aaya.
Kuch saal baad meri shaadi Vikram se ho gayi aur uski behan Neha States se India aane wali thi.
Ek hafta baad, main airport pe Neha ka wait kar rahi thi. Video calls pe baat hui thi, par live dekhna alag tha. Jab woh aayi, uski smile, silky baal, sparkling aankhein, aur Jo Malone ki khushboo, model jaisi thi. Hug karte hue uski soft skin ne mujhe pagal kar diya. “How are you, Aunty?” uski awaaz ne jaise birds chirping ka feel diya.
Car mein teen ghante ke ride mein main uski sexuality jaan na chahti thi. Pride month ka topic chheda, par uska jawab neutral tha. “Blue is the Warmest Colour” aur “Orange is the New Black” ke baare mein poocha, par usne filmmaking pe technical baat karke baat taal di. Ghar pahunchke maine uske room mein blanket daala jab woh so rahi thi. Woh sote hue bhi femme fatale thi.
Lunch ke baad main akeli thi. Neha ke baare mein sochke masturbate karna chahti thi. Palm vibrator nikala, imagination wild chala. Do bade orgasms ke baad vibrator band ho gaya, harge khatam. Nangi comforter mein leti hui, ek calmness aayi. Socha, sex aur sexuality kyun taboo hai?
Sham ko Vik ghar aaya. Neha aur Vik relatives ke baare mein ghanton baatein karte rahe. Main bore ho rahi thi, par saath hans diya. Vik friends ke saath drinks ke liye chala gaya. Kitchen mein bartan dhote hue Neha aayi, shorts aur loose tee mein. Woh counter pe baithi. Main mature baat karna chahti thi.
Me: College kaisa? Padai kaisi chal rahi?
Neha: Padai aur chudai sab theek, Aunty.
“Chudai” uske American accent mein sunke dil dhadak gaya.
Me: Haha, cute hai tu kaise bolti hai.
Me: Koi relationship mein hai?
Neha: Ab nahi, girlfriend se break-up ho gaya.
Shock mein maine clarify kiya, “Girlfriend kaha na tune?”
Neha: Aunty, chhodo naatak. Jab tumne room mein blanket daala, main so nahi rahi thi. Baad mein aapke room ke paas gayi, aapko mera naam lete hue moan karte suna, vibrator ki buzz ke saath.
Mere pair kaanpne lage. Bartan saaf karte hue nazar nahi uthayi. Neha ne peechhe se hug kiya, mere kaan mein kaha, “Aunty, tum beautiful ho,” aur neck pe kiss kiya. Main usse passionately kiss karna chahti thi, uske boobs dabana chahti thi, counter pe love karna chahti thi. Par maine sirf smile kiya, “Thank you” kaha, aur room mein chali gayi. Bed pe baithke socha, yeh too good to be true hai, isme koi catch hoga.
Vik raat ko aaya, mujhe bed pe hug kiya. Mujhe closure chahiye tha. Us raat maine Vik ko pillow prince banaya. Humne bina baat kiye hours tak suck aur fuck kiya. Vik ko pata tha kuch hua hai, par usne poocha nahi.
Agli subah Neha mere paas sofa pe baithi. Main thodi door hati, par woh paas aayi. Usne kal ke liye sorry kaha aur poocha kya usne mujhe offend kiya. Maine usse apna past bataya, yeh bhi kaha ke mujhe uspe crush tha. Phir mature banne ki koshish ki, bataya ke agar Vik ko pata chala toh sab kharab ho jayega. Par Neha ne meri ek na suni aur mujhe passionately kiss kiya. Resistance bekaar thi. Maine socha, yeh shayad Aphrodite ka ishaara hai.
Neha ne mere boobs dabaye, meri tongue suck ki. Maine uski thighs rub ki. Kiss break karke poocha, “Room mein chalegi?” Room mein jaate hi humne kapde utare. Maine Neha ko kaha ke wall pe haath rakhe aur ass upar kare. Main neeche baithi, uske cheeks kiss kiye, tongue uski crack mein chalayi. Uske ass cheeks spread kiye, uska butt hole sniff kiya. Neha ke ghutne kaanpne lage. Hum bed pe gaye. Neha ne bataya usko cunt suck karte hue butt hole mein finger pasand hai, aur woh mere muh mein cum karna chahti thi. Maine yeh pehle nahi kiya tha, par try kiya. Neha ke saath yeh pal aisa tha jaise chhe saal ka wait worth it tha.
Har din humne aise hi chhupke maze kiye. Ek din uska jaane ka time aaya. Airport drop karte hue dil bhari tha. Neha ne hug kiya, kaha, “Khud ko bandh mat rakhna.” Woh chali gayi, aur ghar khali laga.
Neha ke jaane ke baad dil mein toofan sa uth raha tha. Uski khushboo, uski baatein, sab yaad aa raha tha. Ghar mein akelapan chhaya tha. Vik kaam pe, bacche Mom ke paas. Kitchen mein counter pe ungli chalayi jahan Neha ne mujhe kiss kiya tha. Socha, kya yeh aazaadi hai jo Plato ke prisoner ko sunlight mein mili? Ya ek aur shadow?
Raat ko journal nikala, jo saalon se nahi chhua tha. Dil ka guubar nikalna tha.
18 May 2021
Plato ne The Republic mein cave ka allegory diya. Bandi log cave mein bandhe hain, peechhe aag jal rahi hai. Log shadows wall pe dikhaate hain, aur bandi sochte hain yahi dunia hai. Ek bandi bhaag jaata hai, bahar sunlight mein aankhein jalti hain, par dheere-dheere sachayi dikhayi deti hai, ek naya reality. Woh wapas cave mein jaaye toh andhere mein kuch nahi dekh sakta, kyunki uski aankhein sunlight ki aadi ho chuki hain.
Hum bhi toh waise hi bandi hain, na? Wall pe shadows dekh rahe hain, ke auratein kamzor hain, kam smart hain, ke jo apne biological sex se comfortable nahi, woh unnatural hain. Yeh shadows humein sikhate hain ke zindagi good ya bad, black ya white, hum vs. unhone. Religion, politics, economics, sab theocracy, democracy, capitalism, communism, liberalism, socialism ke naam pe ladte hain, par asal mein yeh sab wahi shadows hain. Sawaal yeh hai: hum kab aazaad honge? Aur kaise?
Main hamesha shadows se bhaagti rahi, sochti thi woh real hain. Anjum, Neha, Vik, problem woh nahi, problem main hoon. Ya shayad yeh cave jisme main jeeti hoon. Neha meri sunlight thi, par woh chali gayi, aur main andhere mein aankhein jhapka rahi hoon.
Aazaadi kya hai? Queer banke openly jeena? Jise chahe pyar karna? Ya kuch chhupa, andar ka, shadows ko define na karne dena? Neha ke saath waqt ne mujhe badal diya. Ab wapas chhup nahi sakti.
Agli subah ek clarity aayi. Poora jawab nahi tha, par ek sawaal tha: Main apne aap ko kaise jee sakti hoon bina sab jalaaye. Vik ghar aaya, toh maine usse sachchai se dekha.
“Vik,” maine kaha, “Humein baat karni hai.”
Usne eyebrow uthaya. “Kis baare mein?”
Maine saans li, sunlight meri aankhein jala rahi thi. “Mere asli chehre ke baare mein.”
Aur main cave se bahar nikalne lagi, ek-ek kadam.
Ab yeh padhne mein zyada clean aur natural lagega. Agar aur koi specific part fix karna ho ya kuch miss hua ho, bata dena!